Annoying things

1.  When the toilet roll's 2 ply papers are out of phase

For fuck sake people, if you notice this somewhere - someone's house, a workplace, a public toilet - just unwrap the top layer one revolution to get the perforations to line up again.  At my work it seems like about a full quarter of the time it is out of phase, and not just on new rolls which may start like this.  What dickwad wankers out there are so ball achingly retarded as to fuck this up?

2.  There is an obstruction in a car lane, someone scoots up the empty lane, indicates in to bunk the queue and the person in front of you lets them in

Oh my cunty god, if someone walked up the side of a queue of people and said "can I get in here?" you would laugh and tell them to fuck off to the back of the queue.  What's the difference?  Of course people will do what they can get away with, and I will often be that person cutting in, so I don't blame that person - I blame the person who lets them in.  When I get let in I certainly don't wave thanks etc. because I don't want to encourage that kind of inconsiderate behaviour.

3.  Christians (and other religious people)

Arrogant, intellectually dishonest, smug, illogical (all religions except mine of course), judgmental... Apparently meekness is a virtue, and questioning your religion is a sin.  They don't even know what they believe; try trying them down on the specifics of whether we have souls, or what heaven is like, or whether prayer really works (and how that fits with god having an all-knowing perfect plan).  They think I am disrespectful if I question some bullshit they believe.  They believe shit that affects their everyday life but haven't even bothered to do the most basic fact-checking.  

Basically they are puppet muppets.  I could go on, and have done in other posts.

4.  New parents

Is it a rat?

No, your excitement/pride/happiness will not rub off on me.  No, I certainly do not want to see pictures - a newborn baby resembles a baby rodent and is not beautiful.  No, I do not want to hear about how I should have one of my own.  No, I do not care what weight the little sucker was when she squeezed it out.  Just no.  Piss off.

5.  Cricket

Dullest sport in the world; goes on for days and you don't even know who's winning.

Only acceptable use: bashing zombies

6.  People who don't know when to single-click, and when to double click

I guess this is a sub-set of a larger annoyance of mine: other people.  It's getting harder and harder to find people who aren't annoying.  Being trapped in a situation where some dull twatcum is attempting to small-talk with me really is one of the few times I will be deliberately rude even if allows the mask to slip in front of someone when I would rather it didn't.

7.  Hearing an American say "spit" instead of "spat"
Although I am a bit of what's commonly known as a grammar nazi, I normally I don't really get very upset about grammar, punctuation, spelling, or Americanisms - I know not everyone is as observant, intelligent, or has had the education that I have.  But, for some unknown reason, 'spit' as the past tense of 'spit' really gets my goat.  It spoils the otherwise great song "My Way", which sounds so much better when it is "I ate it up and spat it out, I faced it all and I stood tall... and did it myyyyyyy waaaaay".

New Year

Christmas break was good; I tended to lie in bed until it got dark, then got on with my day.   My gf was around a lot, so I haven't had as much time alone as I'd have liked, but I still went on a couple of nice middle-of-the-night excursions.  The whole family thing and "get in the xmas spirit" pressure was less tiresome than I expected it would be, and I got away with the bare minimum of effort buying presents.

I fucking hate shopping: online is bearable and over quickly, but physically going into shops filled with imbecilic sheep is something I have little patience for. I barged deliberately rudely through a gaggle of women standing in a doorway... snarling something to myself I didn't expect them to hear.

The break is over and I've gone from late nights of booze and weed to the respected senior professional at work seamlessly.  I'm waiting for the backlash.

I've been thinking a bit about whether I should settle down... part of me knows my life would be easier if I was in a normal couple – I'd eat better, do more, go places, meet people... but I also know I enjoy living alone and having time to myself to pursue my interests. 

I've lived my life making friends in different circles when I wanted to, and staying alone when I wanted to.  With a 'life partner' there is less scope to choose my own state and I tend to get frustrated that whoever I'm with can't change themselves to be the perfect gf the way I can easily slip into a perfect bf persona.

My gf has a 1^st in psychology and knows I... well... we were scoring someone we know on the PCL and she asked me what I scored. I said 10 (I think actually between 16 and 22 depending on whether I score questions erring on the side of being conservative).  She was OK with that and she also asked me during a Dexter episode whether I was “dead inside” and I said “I guess I am what many would call flat affect”.

So maybe I could carve out an acceptable long term relationship with her, though she obviously lets her heart tell her I'm all good even though she knows a lot of how I behave must be an act.

Dilemma

Imagine you are expecting a pay-rise at work, and then you open your wage slip and find that instead of the £3.5k raise you were expecting you got an increase of £12.5k per year.

This is obviously a mistake, and one that should be easily noticed at the next salary review...

Would you own up ASAP?  I think the key phrase here is "plausible deniability" - if it transpired you knew of the mistake and didn't say anything then that would probably be construed as gross misconduct.

Not quite sure if I could pull off the plausible deniability thing... my boss certainly knows I am not hanging on for pay-day and accounting for every penny, and I could stop opening my payslips from now on so if challenged I could show them unopened "except for the one I opened last night to verify I was getting too much".  Probably worth the risk - if I was suddenly asked to leave they'd be fucked anyway so the worst they could really do is get me to pay it back.

Boredom

 Whether I get bored easily or not is a complicated question to answer.  Ex girlfriends have commented on how annoying my habit of constantly flicking TV channels is - a channel will have been on for 10 minutes, and perhaps even be approaching an exciting reveal, and I'll get a sense of boredom and flick to another channel.

If I don't like a task, I simply can't concentrate on it; for example, when others were revising for final exams I simply stopped drinking and taking drugs, and went jogging (to ensure my mind was working), as I knew I would only be able to get the bare minimum of revision done.  I was lucky I was studying a subject that was more understanding than knowledge.  

I don't, however, have a problem concentrating on something to which I want to give my attention.

The sort of boredom I want to talk about now though is more of a life existentialist boredom.  Sometimes I feel like everything I do is simply a distraction from the banality of life.  I feel like I'm doing the same boring shit, and so I do something exciting.  I've taken up hang-gliding, rock climbing, and ju-jitsu to name a few of the more transient activities I've taken up; I've even flown a fighter-jet!  And then, of course there are the everyday distractions such as going out drinking, clubbing, having sex, going for middle-of-the-night walks with my lockpicks...

Unfortunately, on occasion I get meta-boredom - where I feel like even though the new exciting thing designed to distract and entertain me is still part of the same boring equation: feel life is boring + new thing = temporary respite.  That feeling I get knowing I am repeating that same loop again and again is the most boring of feelings of boredom.

Swearing

So I tried out the Cleanmeter I saw linked on LostInIdaho's blog.

I was very disappointed!  Apart from the obvious fact that the cleanmeter's algorithm leaves a lot to be desired if it only picked up ONE mature theme and ONE reference to a deity, I realised that I simply don't swear enough.

As Stephen Fry said:

Swearing is a really important part of one's life. It would be impossible to imagine going through life without swearing and without enjoying swearing... There used to be mad, silly, prissy people who used to say swearing was a sign of a poor vocabulary -such utter nonsense. The people I know who swear the most tend to have the widest vocabularies and the kind of person who says swearing is a sign of a poor vocabulary usually have a pretty poor vocabulary themselves... The sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign of a lack of education or a lack of verbal interest or -is just a fucking lunatic... I haven't met anybody who's truly shocked at swearing, really, they're only shocked on behalf of other people. Well, you know, that's preposterous... or they say 'it's not necessary'. As if that should stop one doing it! It's not necessary to have coloured socks, it's not necessary for this cushion to be here, but is anyone going to write in and say 'I was shocked to see that cushion there, it really wasn't necessary'? No, things not being necessary is what makes life interesting -the little extras in life. 

And aside from that, swearing like a fuck-cunt is actually good for you!  So, for the love of wank-shit why haven't I been swearing my shaven bollocks off?

The person I've wanted to be has always been someone who isn't driven by periodic outbursts of limbic emotion, such as anger, and therefore it has become habitual to restrain myself.  I take a mental step back and a deep breath and present a reasoned mask to the world anytime I am provoked when there is a recurring character in my life present.

That's part of the reason why I've really enjoyed the two long holidays I've taken alone, far away from anyone that knows me.

Stories from childhood 2

Ok so I wasn't a child when this one happened - but I was a very immature 21 year old.  My parents had gone on holiday after my graduation and my elder sister and I traveled back to the family homestead.  Our grandmother hadn't been answering the phone, and no-one had heard from her for several days, so it was a reasonable assumption that she had died.  My sister wanted to go over to her house ASAP; I wanted to relax for a bit first - if she was dead then there was no hurry.  I'm reminded of Tim Minchin relating a conversation with his wife about going to check on their baby, "well if she's dead we may as well watch the end of this film before our lives are destroyed by grief"

When we got there there was no answer at the door so we let ourselves in with the key we had.  We went upstairs end into her room.  There was a body in the bed turned away from us with the bedclothes covering her.  I went around the bed to her and saw she was in a comedy death pose.  It kinda reminded me of Nosferatu - the way her wrinkled face was in a slight grimace and she had one hand in a claw-like pose up near her face.

So I shook my head at my sister and went over to her; through some tears she said "did it look like she died peacefully?".  I figured she was never going to go over to look at the dead body so I said "yes, yes she just looked like she was sleeping".

We go downstairs and I call the ambulance and put the kettle on... and then my sister says she's going upstairs to say goodbye.

I still don't know to this day whether she actually went up to her and saw what I saw.

Stories from childhood

At 11 years old I changed school to one with separate lessons with specialist teachers.  My biology teacher introduced us to the theory of evolution in the first lesson.

It made complete sense to me - if there is a subset of a species with a mutation (adaptation) that makes them ever so slightly more likely to have [more] kids then, over a long time in a large group, those mutations will become increasingly common (because they are genetic) and thus the species evolves.  Conversely, any trait that makes it less likely for an animal to reproduce (such as causing them to die quickly) will be strongly selected against.

I came home from school that day and said to my mother, who was a high-school biology teacher herself, "why do people believe that ostriches stick their heads in the sand when they see a predator?"

"Because they do"

"But if they did they would die out very quickly - that's evolution, and it's obviously true whereas 'common knowledge' is sometimes wrong"

"Well it's not wrong in this case"

This incident greatly influenced how I thought of my mother from then on.

Drugs

Yesterday was 20th April, and in North America the code/time/date of 4:20 is synonymous with cannabis.  I'm in an on-off abusive relationship with the weed; when I have it I abuse it, I have my way with it at any time of the day or night it suits me, and keep having my way until I'm satiated.  It makes me antisocial, though never paranoid, and dulls my thoughts to keep them from running away.  If I go too long without, I'm too aware, my thinking is too non-stop, and I'll not sleep.  I'll be on-the-ball, and I'll get shit done, but I'll be heading to the loony bin.  It's no coincidence that I've been off it for about 4 months and I'm getting a promotion.

Now the promotion is in the bag, I think it's time to celebrate with a joint or two.  I'll buy some in, and start growing - I'll have a short off period before the harvest is ready.  Joints are an art form - at university some friends even asked me to organise a masterclass in rolling the perfect joint.

I've tried more drugs than most could name, but skunk is the one I keep coming back to.  Ecstasy was the only other one I've had a regular affair with; cocaine does fuck all for me - I suspect my serotonin response is ok but my dopamine response is a fucked up.  But perhaps cocaine does nothing for me because I'm already an arrogant asshole ;)

I always stop when it starts affecting my life too much because I recognise that although it is lovely in the short term, it is not conducive to my plans in the long term.  Mental dulling and lack of physical fitness do not sit well with my self image, and so every joint I smoke is made that much sweeter because I know it will end again soon.

When I do quit, insomnia strikes with a vengeance and I have to be very careful that the mental benefits of not being stoned all the time do not outweigh the cost to my sanity of a long period of terrible insomnia.

The Person You Want To Be

If you could be anyone, who would it be?  If you could realise your potential, and be the best you possible, what do you envisage that looking like?

As I have a lot of self control, I've been able to live my life (the vast majority of time anyway) behaving how I would behave if I were a good person.  There is some satisfaction gained doing that due to it feeding my narcissist side: I can tell myself that I have more self control than other people, and because I choose to behave well when it is not natural for me to do so, I can not only feel noble, but also feel I actually have free-will instead of giving into instincts all the time and am therefore more worthy of life than others.

This has gone on for so long that it has become ingrained in me; it is a social conditioning of behaviour, and it is disconcertingly close to the religious brainwashing that I find so distasteful in other people.  I now find myself in a life that just reeks of dissonance because I will never want to act that way, only want to want to.

Of course I've always had an outlet or two.  I've always kept the physical manifestations of my private thoughts just that - private.  The internet (this blog, and other blogs/forums) has allowed me to be honest with people in a way I never have been before, and that in itself has led to further personal insights and the acceptance that some things about me will never change.  I have also realised that I need to shift the balance in my life more towards what the real me wants, rather than what the person I thought I wanted to be would want.

It isn't that the pull of the dark side is too great, it is simple acceptance that it is and always will be a part of me.

OCD

Let me be clear - I do not have OCD.  However, there are some things I do that may be construed as compulsive behaviours and I thought I would share a couple of them with you.

There is often a right way to do something; if you realise that, and are not particularly time-constrained, then why would you do it the wrong way? 

For example, when making a sandwich the fillings should be spread evenly through the bread.  Therefore, I cut the cheese, tomato, cucumber, ham, etc to fit the bread exactly - like a food jigsaw.  Cucumber is a bitch.  Not too long ago I ate at a sandwich bar and when my sandwich arrived I found that the PROFESSIONAL sandwich-maker had put the top slice on in the reverse orientation to the bottom slice - this should be a sacking offence in my opinion.

The picture above annoys me; it was obviously not done by anyone obsessive, or even vaguely observant.  It is neither neatly done, nor consistent in use of lower case / capitals.

When I need to do a shit, I always check there is toilet paper there before I sit down.  In public places, such as in work, the 2-ply toilet paper often has the top ply separated and wrapped around an extra time so that the perforations don't match up - how does this happen and why doesn't anyone else fix it!?  And, of course, folding 2 sheets in half and half again doesn't yield the optimum width, so I either fold 2 sheets into 3, or 3 sheets into 4 (depending on quality).

As you may know, I can be a bit of a grammar nazi and TBH it often interrupts the flow of what I am reading.  Any time I read  a commonly wrong word, such as its/it's or your /you're, I do a double take to check it is right.  Also, as I pointed out to Notme earlier today, it should be !?, not ?! because the question mark is curved like a bracket and therefore the exclamation mark should be contained within it.

As I said, I am not OCD (though maybe I have a dash of Aspie in my comorbid cocktail!), and if I cannot do things the way I would prefer to, for whatever reason, I do not get anxious - I just move on and forget about it.  I think my little quirks are simply related to conscientiousness, an attention to detail, never assuming the traditional way of doing something is the best way, being generally more aware of things around me than most, and a frustration at how other people (imbeciles!) can get the simplest things wrong.

These are all the traits that make me good at my job - I see problems,  potential problems, and how things should be done.  Then I fix them.

Doh!

Have been sleeping worse again lately, after a period of pretty good sleep.  After several nights of little sleep my brain feels like it is stuffed with cotton wool, and I just meander through the day in a trance.  In this unthinking state I sometimes have quite idiotic lapses - real "duh!" moments.  I'm sure everyone has moments like these, but normally I don't and I thought I would note a few of these down for prosperity :)

This morning I was nearly late for work because after breakfast I brushed my teeth and then went into my bedroom to get my phone.  I got undressed and got back into bed and was drifting off to sleep when I realised with a jolt that it was not night time it was the morning.

I bought a few groceries in a shop and went to pay with plastic.  I completely forgot not only the PIN of the card I picked out, but all the other ones too.  I'm normally very good with numbers.

Running slightly late in the morning, I hurried out to my car and went to put my keys in, only to find that I wasn't holding my keys - I was holding my electric toothbrush.

On several occasions I've been driving somewhere and just kept going for miles and miles past my destination (like for 30mins on what should be a 10min journey).

I guess these are pretty mundane things, but they make me laugh :)

False Modesty

I'm a good actor.  All the world's a stage and it is necessary to be a good actor to fit into social situations when you don't have a normal emotional response.  I have learned how to be superficially charming, and to adapt my personality to elicit the desired response from the target audience.  I usually have no trouble acting as the exuberant, sensitive, interested, geeky, arrogant, caring, or considerate guy, as the situation demands.  I do however have some trouble with the roles of being modest or stupid.

I used to justify never using these two masks by telling myself that they weren't necessary; another mask would do just as well to achieve the same, or equally desirable, ends.  But I realised several years ago that I was just telling myself what I wanted to hear, and since then have worked on them.

I've worked on modesty quite a lot, and even though it was extremely difficult at times, there was a period when it even became one of my favourite go-to masks - people (in the UK anyway) like self depreciation and do not like someone who has let on that they have achieved something impressive.  To pretend to an imbecile that I am not superior to them certainly did not come naturally, but I just had to remember that it is just a game which has an objective; it is just an act, and achieving the end by the most efficient route has its own satisfaction.

Acting stupid... I'm still working on that.  I've practiced looking stupid: relaxed and defocused eyes, combined with a slackening of the jaw muscles works extremely well.  Normally I consciously decide to intonate my voice, use facial expressions, and gesticulate, so it is easy to just use my natural monotone, speak a little slower, and not be as expressive to complete the main construction of the mask.
I still struggle to not say something intelligent, but I've found that coming across as initially stupid (non-threatening) but actually intelligent is one of the most disarming and useful personas to wear in some situations.  It comes across as wise rather than intelligent.

New hobby

I need a new hobby.  Assuming no-one joins my proposed religion, I'll need an outlet for my... more... rule breaking side.  Even though by anyone else's standards my life is exciting, and filled with things to do, I often feel that it is the same shit different day.
I think my new hobby will be stealing stuff from churches.  They are rich and full of woo and the good folk that go to the church will see My act as being part of god's plan - perhaps god will make me do it to test their faith or for some otherwise obscure ineffable purpose.  It really makes me laugh that anything I do to their church will turn out to be an ontological triumph for their faith.  It cracks me up that the religious tell you that you must know god and in the next breath tell you he moves in mysterious unknowable ways.  If everything in the world that can possibly happen can be explained as falling within his will, then you do not know him and have no business worshiping him.

I will certainly be on the lookout for opportunity to sabotage any bells they ring to cut my sleep short on a Sunday morning.  Inconsiderate fuckers.  Maybe I should blow my atheist vuvuzela every 3am outside the bishop's bedroom window. 

Cracks showing

So, as I knew would happen, I've not been the most sane lately.  Not too bad.  It's very much tied in with my physical well-being.  My blood pressure rose to the point that a med student friend almost drove me to the hospital there and then when she measured it.  My resting heart rate was over 90, compared to 50 normally.  Mind racing.  No concentration.  Physically shaking, with many people in work asking me if I'm cold... perhaps I am some of the time, my homeostasis seems to be a bit off generally lately.  I'm also incredibly tetchy.  My normally infinite self control is very thin at the moment and I have snapped at a few people... it must be terrible to live on aggressive impulses like that all the time.  People like that should be locked up ;)

I thought I may as well go to the doctor so I did my research beforehand and bonded with him over his favourite TV program and the car he'd just bought, to ensure he took care of me and wouldn't put anything in my notes I didn't want.  So now I've been given some beta-blockers which have taken my heart rate and BP down.  I'm still shaking though, and weirdly the insomnia is now fine at night (getting to sleep before midnight sometimes!) but now I'm waking between 4 and 6 and not getting back to sleep - that has never happened before; once I'm asleep I have never had a problem staying asleep.  I've slept through a smoke alarm, in a noisy pub, and in the back of a helicopter doing low level maneuvers.

More test results tomorrow, hopefully ruling out anything very bad.  96% likely that it is just a manic phase combined with work stress, combined with no weed to slow down my mind, combined with not enough sleep.  But that 4% should be ruled out - e.g. liver/kidney/thyroid/adrenal gland problem.  I should be very disappointed if it turned out I were mortal after all!   ;)

Who am I?

I am not neurotypical (NT). However I am not easily put into any particular box. Below I will try to explain how I think and the various boxes that I have researched.

1. I don't have a conscience

skype chat recently with a friend I've come 'out' to:

GB: so you never feel guilty?

Res: nope

GB: weird, as an overly emotional person in a negative sense, this intrigues me

Res: i experimented when i was younger

GB: by doing what?!

GB: !?

GB: ahhh

Res: torturing and killing a frog

GB: aw, that's mean!!

Res: then a bird

Res: then a cat

GB: noooooo, i have a cat!

Res: then i stopped...

GB: my cat is awesome

GB: how the fuck did you catch a bird?

Res: i figured i'd move up the evolved sentience scale in case my guilt only kicked in at some point...

Res: i shot it with a catapult. fucking awesome shot

[p.s. I kept the cat's collar for a couple of years as a reminder/trophy, then threw it out one day on impulse]

2. I lack empathy and emotion

In fMRI scans, the same area of a normal brain is activated when a person watches someone being hurt as when they themselves are hurt. The response is demonstrably different in certain disorders and people with damage to particular areas of their brain (due to a cancer exorcism or an accident). I do sometimes wince slightly when I see someone hit in the crotch, but I am unaffected at seeing someone else's emotional pain – can someone empathise with an emotion they have not felt?

Another skype chat:

Res: I'm not sure I feel love, the way other people do anyway, but i can feel in-love. raised heart rate. lightness in my chest. thinking about them all the time.

Res: but that's all physiological associated with hormones etc.

GB: i think that too!

GB: i only enjoy being with someone at the start

Res: if my parents died in a car crash my first thought would be what a pain it would make my life organising the funeral and dealing with people trying to be sympathetic

GB: that makes me sad!

Res: pros and cons...

GB: sad for them too

Res: they'd be dead. so why/how would they care ;)

GB: no, now!

Res: well i'm not gonna tell them am i !

Res: lol

GB: but the fact that you think this behind their back!

Res: but if they never know what is the difference?

3. I am intelligent and self aware

I excelled at school with little/no effort. I graduated top of the class in a physics masters. I studied physics because I wanted to know how the world worked – as if perhaps it would lead to an understanding of 'why?'. I also read a lot of philosophy, but quickly discovered only the ignorant worship the famous philosophers – some good ideas but only interspersed into embarrassingly stupid ones. I've been an amateur psychologist all my life; due to lack of emotion I needed to understand how to fit in and act normal. Only relatively recently have I actively researched aspects of psychology.

4. All social interactions are learned and driven by an objective

Not just what I say and my general demeanor, but all aspects of body language – stance, facial movements, voice inflections, gesticulations, etc are all conscious decisions. Of course, I am also constantly aware of others around me.  This can become very tiring.

With certain groups of people (I am careful that they don't overlap) I am seen as the life of the group, with others I am the introverted shy physicist. With new people that are meaningless to me I will most likely either charm them because we have a mutual friend I need to maintain a mask for, or I will treat them as a plaything to entertain me – saying or asking something that takes them out of their comfort zone so I see them either squirm or demonstrate their lack of intelligence.  I especially like to play with the religious.

5. I have a lot of self control

I took up cigarettes at school to test my will power. I smoked ~10 a day for 6 months then gave up. I honestly don't think it possible for me to be addicted to anything (other drugs tried, not just cigs!).

6. Everything is a conscious cost/benefit analysis

I think NTs have this calculation in their unconscious and then the result is passed to the conscious mind as a feeling. I think that my neural wiring gives access to the raw calculation process instead of the feeling.

For example, I have friends that I value. I mean this literally. They not only provide interest to me, or partake in activities I find interesting, or provide a safety net that I know I could rely on should I need it, but they also provide a means for me to appear normal. I cultivate these relationships in a conscious manner but if the demands on me (the cost) look like they will outweigh the benefits to me in the long term then I will engineer a separation of our friendship.

7. I would prefer to be 'good' than 'bad'

Part of my [slightly narcissistic] self image is that I am more worthy of life than most people – I do good things because I choose to, not because it is my instinct, not because I would feel guilty if I didn't, and not because my religion demands it of me. I believe this makes me a better person than others. I am more alive. It is hard to tie down this definition of 'better' – and I am aware that any definition I come up with would be self fulfilling to suit my needs...

I am always quick to be helpful - it is a good strategy because not only do I feed/reinforce my superior self-image, but because the help I give usually costs me very little (emotionally nothing!), but the cost to an NT would be large – thus the potential reciprocal benefit to me (directly, or indirectly by others finding out about my 'selfless' act) far outweighs my cost.

The DSM-IV defines:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g. exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
I am more important than most people, who are but sheep following their instincts and who get excited about shoe shopping. Is this not simply reasonable rather than delusional? I do not need to exaggerate achievements to impress.

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
No, no, no, no, and yes – of course I seek ideal love...

Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
I am certainly special, and NTs cannot hope to understand my thought process. However that is due to their neurophysiology, not anything to do with their status.

Requires excessive admiration
No. I really don't need attention or admiration.

Has a sense of entitlement, i.e. unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
This ties in with 1. and 3. and instinctively I do not feel rules apply to me.

Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
Yes.  But everyone does, I am just conscious of it.

Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
Yes... but I'm not unwilling to identify with the feelings of others – I can recognise the signs very well and behave taking them into account.

Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
No.

Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Yes.

I do not live in the grandiose fantasy world that NPDs construct. I do not feel the need for admiration. However some of the other traits certainly strike a chord, and I do place great value on myself.

Sociopathic Antisocial Personality Disorder

Characteristics of people with antisocial personality disorder may include:

• Apparent lack of remorse or empathy for others
  Yes
• Persistent lying or stealing
  No... it is rarely necessary to lie to achieve what I want and if I lie there is a chance of being caught in it. If I need to create a rapport with someone in a one-off situation I will not hesitate to lie to create the rapport. I don't habitually steal, though have done on occasion.
• Cruelty to animals
  Certainly capable. But I don't gain pleasure from it so don't tend to. Perhaps if I'm in a bad mood and bored and there is opportunity.
  
• Poor behavioral controls — expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper
  No.
• A history of childhood conduct disorder
  No.
• Recurring difficulties with the law
  No.  Arrested twice, but nothing major.
• Promiscuity
  Until the past few years above average, due more to being considered handsome and thus having more opportunity presented than to my seeking it out.
• Tendency to violate the boundaries and rights of others
  Boundaries, yes – to provoke an interesting response.
• Aggressive, often violent behavior; prone to getting involved in fights
  No. Though I partake in mixed martial arts training.
• Inability to tolerate boredom
  Inability? Too poorly defined.
• Poor or abusive relationships
  No.  Unless you count the one with a BPD girl.
• Irresponsible work behavior
  No.  Though there is a temporal element to this.  After ~4 years it becomes very difficult to maintain the veneer of responsibility.
• Disregard for safety
  Yes. I don't wear a seatbelt, have crashed a hang-glider, pushed dangerous snowboarding limits...

Other common characteristics of those with Antisocial Personality Disorder include superficial charm [Yes], shallow emotions [Yes], a distorted sense of self [By definition I cannot judge this], a constant search for new sensations (which can have bizarre consequences) [Yes], a tendency to physically or verbally abuse peers or relatives [No], and manipulation of others without remorse or empathy for the victim [Yes]. Egocentrism [Yes], megalomania [No], lack of responsibility [Lack of feeling responsible], extroversion [Apparent, but I'm really an introvert], excessive hedonism [it's not excessive if I'm still alive and have kept my life together], high impulsivity [Yes and no... instinct is to be impulsive, self control mostly stops my being so], and the desire to experience sensations of control and power can also be present. [umm better than feeling powerless and under someone else's control...]

The problem is the people diagnosed with a disorder are the ones with no self-control (usually an assessment before their trial...). Therefore lack of self control becomes part of the diagnosis. The parts of sociopathy that do not apply to me are the parts that are due to lack of self control; the thoughts and thought processes fit me pretty well.

Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD)
The World Health Organization's ICD-10 lists schizoid personality disorder as characterized by at least four of the following criteria:

1. Emotional coldness, detachment or reduced affection.
   Shallow affect... so yep.
2. Limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others.
   Not really, if I do feel positive or negative to someone I have no problem letting them know.
3. Consistent preference for solitary activities.I do like my alone time, but as I spend time with friends/family perhaps 5 out of 7 days a week I don't think this can apply to me.
4. Very few, if any, close friends or relationships and a lack of desire for such.I have a few close friends, close enough to discuss shit like this with.  I am in a healthy loving relationship.
5. Indifference to either praise or criticism.
   No.  I see praise/criticism more from the point of view of my narcissistic side - if someone praises me I'm thinking I deserve it and that person did well to recognise it.  If someone criticises me it bounces off because they are inferior and don't know what they are talking about.
6. Taking pleasure in few, if any, activities.
   Shallow affect will do that...
7. Indifference to social norms and conventions.Not a simple answer.  I don't feel like I am part of mainstream society and I don't feel rules apply to me.  I adhere to social norms and conventions most of the time because I have to to appear normal!
8. Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection.
   No.
9. Lack of desire for sexual experiences with another person.
   No.

Autism Spectrum Disorder

http://aq.server8.org/

I am a physicist, and have non-typical emotions, so of course I must suspect e.g. Aspergers. However, I have no trouble reading other people's emotions and no trouble imagining what another person's response to a situation will be when they are given different information to work from than me. The questions in the AQ test mostly don't have a simple answer so it's hard to score it. However, I do like rocking sometimes :)

I'm also co-morbid with Cyclothymia which is essentially a lower amplitude bipolar disorder:

Dysthymic phase [yes yes yes... apart from the guilt obviously]

Difficulty making decisions; problems concentrating; poor memory recall; guilt; self-criticism; low self-esteem; pessimism; self-destructive thinking; continuously feeling sad; apathy; hopelessness; helplessness; irritability; quick temper; lack of motivation; social withdrawal; appetite change; lack of sexual desire; self-neglect; fatigue or insomnia.

Euphoric phase [yes yes yes... except it's more aggressive thoughts than behaviour]

Unusually good mood or cheerfulness (euphoria); Extreme optimism; Inflated self-esteem; Poor judgment; Rapid speech; Racing Thoughts; Aggressive or hostile behavior; Being inconsiderate of others; Agitation; Increased physical activity; Risky behavior; Spending sprees; Increased drive to perform or achieve goals; Increased sexual drive; Decreased need for sleep; Tendency to be easily distracted; Inability to concentrate

Both phases involve difficulty sleeping, which is the bane of my life. I certainly notice things like my speech and thought speed changing drastically in different moods.

I exercise a lot, and exercise is the best treatment for any depressive mood disorder. In a typical week I would do >6 hours' strenuous exercise. If I don't do this for whatever reason (e.g. Injury) I go downhill. That is why I often push on with exercise even when injured, when physically I should give it time to heal. Last May I had my collarbone broken during a brazillian ju-jitsu match and by not letting it heal properly it was still a little sore for months after.

So in conclusion, if forced to define the complicated cocktail of co-morbidity that is me, I would say that my thought processes are mostly sociopath, with a generous dollop of NPD, and just a dash of Aspie and SPD; baked in with some cyclothymia.  
My high self control precludes me from ever being diagnosed as a sociopath, and that combined with being non-delusional precludes an NPD diagnosis.  I can identify a little with aspies but I am not one.  I am still romantically idealistic, even though this post and my previous one on love may not give that impression.

I am a special snowflake and I don't need a label.

I Can't Get No Sleep

Deep in the bosom of the gentle night
Is when I search for the light
Pick up my pen and start to write
I struggle, fight dark forces
In the clear moon light
Without fear... insomnia
I can't get no sleep

Deeper still, that night I write by candle light

I find insight, fundamental movement, uh

So when it's black this insomniac take an original tack

Keep the beast in my nature under ceaseless attack

I gets no sleep

I can't get no sleep

I only smoke weed when I need to
And I need to get some rest
I confess, I burnt a hole in the mattress
Yes, yes, it was me, I plead guilty...
But there's no relief
I'm wide awake in my kitchen
It's dark and I'm lonely
Oh, if I could only get some sleep,
Creaky noises make my skin creep
I need to get some sleep
I can't get no sleep....

I've gone through occasional bouts of insomnia ever since I was a teenager. In the past few years they have lasted longer and been more frequent. This is why I've started this blog now, and why the address is 'The Fall of...' I can feel my grip on the world slipping, and I have twice in the past year (never before) been afraid, properly afraid, for my sanity. Before that I had no idea what it might feel like, what thinking would be like, if I went insane. I have now been close enough to smell it.

I'm pretty confident I can stay on the right side of the fence; I've only been close when I've had a fever combined with a lack of self-medication, and of course combined with insomnia. By self-medication I mean smoking skunk and/or drinking. If I stop smoking and cut down on drink for about 3 or 4 weeks, my mind starts dancing around – I think and talk fast, and feel mentally sharp. It is a good feeling to feel mentally sharp and have more social energy, and the extra physical fitness from not smoking weed is also very much valued (I'm fairly sporty).

The trouble is that after about 4 months of this – and there is an increase in the mental sharpness over that time – I will most certainly enter a stage of really bad insomnia caused by having great difficulty stopping thinking for long enough to fall asleep.

At that point I start to self medicate, and the cycle starts again.

Due to the escalation of the cycle frequency and much worse insomnia over the past few years it is time to try something different. Not quite sure what yet, but I've got a couple of months to decide...