New Year

Christmas break was good; I tended to lie in bed until it got dark, then got on with my day.   My gf was around a lot, so I haven't had as much time alone as I'd have liked, but I still went on a couple of nice middle-of-the-night excursions.  The whole family thing and "get in the xmas spirit" pressure was less tiresome than I expected it would be, and I got away with the bare minimum of effort buying presents.

I fucking hate shopping: online is bearable and over quickly, but physically going into shops filled with imbecilic sheep is something I have little patience for. I barged deliberately rudely through a gaggle of women standing in a doorway... snarling something to myself I didn't expect them to hear.

The break is over and I've gone from late nights of booze and weed to the respected senior professional at work seamlessly.  I'm waiting for the backlash.

I've been thinking a bit about whether I should settle down... part of me knows my life would be easier if I was in a normal couple – I'd eat better, do more, go places, meet people... but I also know I enjoy living alone and having time to myself to pursue my interests. 

I've lived my life making friends in different circles when I wanted to, and staying alone when I wanted to.  With a 'life partner' there is less scope to choose my own state and I tend to get frustrated that whoever I'm with can't change themselves to be the perfect gf the way I can easily slip into a perfect bf persona.

My gf has a 1^st in psychology and knows I... well... we were scoring someone we know on the PCL and she asked me what I scored. I said 10 (I think actually between 16 and 22 depending on whether I score questions erring on the side of being conservative).  She was OK with that and she also asked me during a Dexter episode whether I was “dead inside” and I said “I guess I am what many would call flat affect”.

So maybe I could carve out an acceptable long term relationship with her, though she obviously lets her heart tell her I'm all good even though she knows a lot of how I behave must be an act.

Swearing

So I tried out the Cleanmeter I saw linked on LostInIdaho's blog.

I was very disappointed!  Apart from the obvious fact that the cleanmeter's algorithm leaves a lot to be desired if it only picked up ONE mature theme and ONE reference to a deity, I realised that I simply don't swear enough.

As Stephen Fry said:

Swearing is a really important part of one's life. It would be impossible to imagine going through life without swearing and without enjoying swearing... There used to be mad, silly, prissy people who used to say swearing was a sign of a poor vocabulary -such utter nonsense. The people I know who swear the most tend to have the widest vocabularies and the kind of person who says swearing is a sign of a poor vocabulary usually have a pretty poor vocabulary themselves... The sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign of a lack of education or a lack of verbal interest or -is just a fucking lunatic... I haven't met anybody who's truly shocked at swearing, really, they're only shocked on behalf of other people. Well, you know, that's preposterous... or they say 'it's not necessary'. As if that should stop one doing it! It's not necessary to have coloured socks, it's not necessary for this cushion to be here, but is anyone going to write in and say 'I was shocked to see that cushion there, it really wasn't necessary'? No, things not being necessary is what makes life interesting -the little extras in life. 

And aside from that, swearing like a fuck-cunt is actually good for you!  So, for the love of wank-shit why haven't I been swearing my shaven bollocks off?

The person I've wanted to be has always been someone who isn't driven by periodic outbursts of limbic emotion, such as anger, and therefore it has become habitual to restrain myself.  I take a mental step back and a deep breath and present a reasoned mask to the world anytime I am provoked when there is a recurring character in my life present.

That's part of the reason why I've really enjoyed the two long holidays I've taken alone, far away from anyone that knows me.

The Person You Want To Be

If you could be anyone, who would it be?  If you could realise your potential, and be the best you possible, what do you envisage that looking like?

As I have a lot of self control, I've been able to live my life (the vast majority of time anyway) behaving how I would behave if I were a good person.  There is some satisfaction gained doing that due to it feeding my narcissist side: I can tell myself that I have more self control than other people, and because I choose to behave well when it is not natural for me to do so, I can not only feel noble, but also feel I actually have free-will instead of giving into instincts all the time and am therefore more worthy of life than others.

This has gone on for so long that it has become ingrained in me; it is a social conditioning of behaviour, and it is disconcertingly close to the religious brainwashing that I find so distasteful in other people.  I now find myself in a life that just reeks of dissonance because I will never want to act that way, only want to want to.

Of course I've always had an outlet or two.  I've always kept the physical manifestations of my private thoughts just that - private.  The internet (this blog, and other blogs/forums) has allowed me to be honest with people in a way I never have been before, and that in itself has led to further personal insights and the acceptance that some things about me will never change.  I have also realised that I need to shift the balance in my life more towards what the real me wants, rather than what the person I thought I wanted to be would want.

It isn't that the pull of the dark side is too great, it is simple acceptance that it is and always will be a part of me.

False Modesty

I'm a good actor.  All the world's a stage and it is necessary to be a good actor to fit into social situations when you don't have a normal emotional response.  I have learned how to be superficially charming, and to adapt my personality to elicit the desired response from the target audience.  I usually have no trouble acting as the exuberant, sensitive, interested, geeky, arrogant, caring, or considerate guy, as the situation demands.  I do however have some trouble with the roles of being modest or stupid.

I used to justify never using these two masks by telling myself that they weren't necessary; another mask would do just as well to achieve the same, or equally desirable, ends.  But I realised several years ago that I was just telling myself what I wanted to hear, and since then have worked on them.

I've worked on modesty quite a lot, and even though it was extremely difficult at times, there was a period when it even became one of my favourite go-to masks - people (in the UK anyway) like self depreciation and do not like someone who has let on that they have achieved something impressive.  To pretend to an imbecile that I am not superior to them certainly did not come naturally, but I just had to remember that it is just a game which has an objective; it is just an act, and achieving the end by the most efficient route has its own satisfaction.

Acting stupid... I'm still working on that.  I've practiced looking stupid: relaxed and defocused eyes, combined with a slackening of the jaw muscles works extremely well.  Normally I consciously decide to intonate my voice, use facial expressions, and gesticulate, so it is easy to just use my natural monotone, speak a little slower, and not be as expressive to complete the main construction of the mask.
I still struggle to not say something intelligent, but I've found that coming across as initially stupid (non-threatening) but actually intelligent is one of the most disarming and useful personas to wear in some situations.  It comes across as wise rather than intelligent.