If you could be anyone, who would it be? If you could realise your potential, and be the best you possible, what do you envisage that looking like?
As I have a lot of self control, I've been able to live my life (the vast majority of time anyway) behaving how I would behave if I were a good person. There is some satisfaction gained doing that due to it feeding my narcissist side: I can tell myself that I have more self control than other people, and because I choose to behave well when it is not natural for me to do so, I can not only feel noble, but also feel I actually have free-will instead of giving into instincts all the time and am therefore more worthy of life than others.
This has gone on for so long that it has become ingrained in me; it is a social conditioning of behaviour, and it is disconcertingly close to the religious brainwashing that I find so distasteful in other people. I now find myself in a life that just reeks of dissonance because I will never want to act that way, only want to want to.
Of course I've always had an outlet or two. I've always kept the physical manifestations of my private thoughts just that - private. The internet (this blog, and other blogs/forums) has allowed me to be honest with people in a way I never have been before, and that in itself has led to further personal insights and the acceptance that some things about me will never change. I have also realised that I need to shift the balance in my life more towards what the real me wants, rather than what the person I thought I wanted to be would want.
It isn't that the pull of the dark side is too great, it is simple acceptance that it is and always will be a part of me.