Wednesday, 6 April 2011

The Person You Want To Be

If you could be anyone, who would it be?  If you could realise your potential, and be the best you possible, what do you envisage that looking like?
As I have a lot of self control, I've been able to live my life (the vast majority of time anyway) behaving how I would behave if I were a good person.  There is some satisfaction gained doing that due to it feeding my narcissist side: I can tell myself that I have more self control than other people, and because I choose to behave well when it is not natural for me to do so, I can not only feel noble, but also feel I actually have free-will instead of giving into instincts all the time and am therefore more worthy of life than others.

This has gone on for so long that it has become ingrained in me; it is a social conditioning of behaviour, and it is disconcertingly close to the religious brainwashing that I find so distasteful in other people.  I now find myself in a life that just reeks of dissonance because I will never want to act that way, only want to want to.


Of course I've always had an outlet or two.  I've always kept the physical manifestations of my private thoughts just that - private.  The internet (this blog, and other blogs/forums) has allowed me to be honest with people in a way I never have been before, and that in itself has led to further personal insights and the acceptance that some things about me will never change.  I have also realised that I need to shift the balance in my life more towards what the real me wants, rather than what the person I thought I wanted to be would want.

It isn't that the pull of the dark side is too great, it is simple acceptance that it is and always will be a part of me.

16 comments:

Haven said...

The Dark Side welcomes all. Repression is for the Jedi. Bottling never ends well and is a denial of self (not that I should talk).

Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me.

btw: Vader was totally BPD, haha. I actually wrote something about this.

Erika said...

Be exactly who you want to be.
Do what you want to do.
He is he and she is she.
But you're the only you.

G said...

Good advice from Erika - following

Steph said...

Everyone has several sides. I cannot dare to by "myself" at all times, for example, in the workplace, but I am still comfortable with who I am when I am there. It is a different side of me, and excersicing that side is important to me truly and wholly being me!

TheNotablePath said...

The person I want to be... The Person I need to be...

These people have never met.

I love tn said...

Hmm, TNP, nicely put.

ResCogitans said...

the problem isn't the person i want to be - it's the person i want to want to be!
wearing a mask is one thing but wearing a mask on top of another mask is mentally tiring...

time to take off the under-mask. i'll always need the outer mask in public though, for obvious reasons.

I love tn said...

Hmm, I see what you mean. It sounds like a lot of work. But is there any point in wanting something that is (fairly certainly) unachievable. Would it not be better to (for want of a better word) accept your limits?
I suppose it would be very unsatisfying.

ResCogitans said...

not sure i follow you tn. if you mean there is no point in wanting to be someone i'm not, then yep.
if you mean i can't live up to the high standards that the perfect person lives to then actually i do a pretty good job in public ;)

I love tn said...

I'm not sure I follow me either. Yes I suppose that's what I meant, it's this double thing of wanting to want something, doubly pointless, but I know what you mean.
Ha, no I wasn't insulting your skills of fakery. :)

Kelly said...

Blogging and sharing your thoughts on topics that interest you or things that you didn't know you had a real interest in, until you stumbled upon them, usually opens people up. That's not to say they're always being honest. For example, people on certain forums on the internet, seem to be suspiciously dishonest- likely in an attempt to appear more intelligent or morally or politically correct. If you read a person's responses over a period of time long enough, you can usually pick out the fakers or the folks being as honest as possible with themselves and others. Self control is great, to a point, I think. I believe when you're too "under control", you can miss a lot opportunities to realize things about yourself, others and various experiences in life. As long as you can be tactful, when interacting with people, at least 80% of the time, I think you're doing well in this society. The older I get, the more I realize being honest with oneself is one of the most valuable traits to have and helps make life easier in the long run. Holy shit! This is a long comment, isn't it? :)

ResCogitans said...

saying something on the internet to try to be impressive in some way is pretty dumb. anonymity is a good reason to take off that wearisome mask. perhaps normal people who don't have to hide themselves in public go on the internet to put on a mask rather than take it off - to pretend to themselves that they aren't boring.

as TNP intimated, some people cultivate a public persona out of necessity that is completely at odds with their real personality. if you spend most of your waking life in company, in that persona, it can become easy to tell yourself that it is the real you.

CandleintheDark said...

I totally understand what you mean

Savagelight said...

It's my season

DidHeDiedGuy said...

Did he died?

CandleintheDark said...

This is pretty damn true. Great post